Waking Up
My ex cheated on me with someone I had once considered a friend (her name was also Emily). With my freshly bruised ego, I decided to venture onto my first date in May 2020 shortly after the ending of my long-term relationship. This was during peak COVID days; there were slim pickings for things to do. I was eager to meet someone new and agreed to go on a walk.
The date lasted about an hour and a half. Most of the time he talked my ear off about how “extroverted” he is— as if I didn’t know the meaning of the word. He listed off the types of people he was used to meeting and how often he met them. It was clear that he wanted me to know the caliber of women he preferred and what I would need to keep in mind. Funnily enough, overthinkers with a past like the one I’ve had already have too much to consider what a stranger wants. Patience. Mine was wearing thin, yet I still wanted to be liked by him.
Wrapping up the date in a perfect bow, he revealed that he had been testing me, then wanted me to guess how. He continued, “You walk at a fast pace, so I decided to slow down to see how you would adjust.” He saw the look of disgust on my face and added that he has a background in psychology and finds testing people to be interesting. Annoyed doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt, it was clear he got a rise out of my reactions.
I was undeniably nervous and uncertain about how I was perceived.
I did not know who to trust after being betrayed by those I thought were entirely incapable of doing so. Questions flooded over me: Who is this man I am spending my time with? Would he have liked me any differently if I did not adjust my pace? Why do I even care? What else was he testing me on? How many more people are like this?
To feel like enough, taking up space in his mind meant I won the games we were playing. The external validation took precedence over my relationship with myself. When we looked at our reflection together, I grew more confused and out of touch with my being. He laughed it off when I said I did not recognize the person I saw. Admittedly, body dysmorphia can and has crept in from time to time. Our bodies can and have changed as we evolve, and practicing self-love can go a long way.
The vessels we are in are impermanent, whereas I do believe our souls are eternal.
When eyes meet glimpses of our reflection, we face the rushes of emotions I haven’t been able to find the words for yet. Reminders of who we are, once were, and want to become more like flood our minds within seconds. The time we have in these vessels is a gift, like everything else we have in this lifetime.
It is hard to pinpoint whether this is a mindset shift or an innate knowing we all have and run away from. Sometimes, we fear what it would look like to take the road unknown. Life has so much more to offer when we reinvest in the sources that add fulfillment, love, and abundance. The pathways presented to us can require a fair amount of consideration to be able to make a decision we feel confident in. There are also exceptions to the rule if it registers well in our nervous systems.
Entertaining fleeting moments of temporary satisfaction fed into the cycle of losing faith in humanity. The recurring theme was that I attracted disingenuous people because I was no different from them. There was safety in accommodating others and people-pleasing for the sake of maintaining relationships. At some point, we all get fed up with the fake niceties. There is a way to be kind without having to compromise our wants and needs.
Authenticity, when nurtured by both parties, leads to trust. Trust leads to improved communication, empathy, and a stronger foundation in a relationship. Life pushed me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, where challenges serve as lessons instead of haunted memories. It is safe to say, I woke up from my nightmares.
My journey is fueled by an unwavering commitment to growth. If conversations with those that may impede our progress do not yeild improved behavior or outcomes, I would not hesitate to cut those strings. Gone are the fears of missing out on unproductive relationships as I have gravitated towards a happier, more fulfilling life. I remain cautiously optimistic that everyone will wake up too—someday, somehow. In the meantime, I am here to help.
