Waking Up
My ex cheated on me with someone I had once known as a friend. With my freshly bruised ego, I decided to venture onto my first date in May 2020 shortly after the ending of my long-term relationship. This was during peak-COVID days, there were slim pickings for things to do. I was eager to meet someone new and agreed to go on a walk.
The date lasted about an hour and a half. Most of the time he talked my ear off about how “extroverted” he is—acted as if I didn’t know the meaning of the word. I never asked… but he kept talking about how much new people he was used to meeting, alluding to the idea that I may not be as relevant as them. Patience. Mine was wearing thin, but I still wanted to be liked by him.
Wrapping up the date in a perfect bow, he revealed that he had been testing me, then wanted me to guess how. He continued, “You walk at a fast pace, so I decided to slow down to see how you would adjust.” He saw the look of disgust on my face and added that he has a background in psychology and finds testing people to be interesting. Annoyed doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt.
I was undeniably nervous, uncertain on how I have been perceived. I did not know who to trust after being betrayed by those I thought were entirely incapable of doing so. Questions flooded over me: Who is this man I am spending my time with? Would he have liked me any differently if I did not adjust my pace? Why do I even care? What else was he testing me on? How many more people are like this?
Silly me, I found myself feeling like I was competing for a spot in his life and got a kick out of the times I thought I was winning the games. I was chasing after external validation that I mattered because when I went back home and faced myself in the mirror I felt defeated. I began losing faith in humanity the more I entertained fleeting moments of temporary satisfaction. I knew I was not happy with him overall, yet did not want to face myself. Looking in the mirror, I felt defeated, I did not recognize myself.
This prompted me to examine the underlying issue. I realized I was attracting disingenuous people because I was no different from them. There was safety in accommodating others and people-pleasing for the sake of maintaining relationships. I became sick of repeating the cycle. Authenticity, when nurtured by both parties, leads to trust; trust leads to improved communication, empathy, and a stronger foundation in a relationship. Life pushed me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, where challenges serve as lessons instead of haunted memories. It is safe to say, I woke up from my nightmares.
My journey is fueled by an unwavering commitment to growth. I no longer hesitate to leave those behind that impede my progress. Gone are the fears of missing out on unproductive relationships as I have gravitated towards a happier, more fulfilling life. I remain hopeful that everyone will wake up too—someday, somehow. In the meantime, I am here to help.
