Watch what you say, how you speak, and how you behave. First impressions can be the only opportunity you get to speak to a new potential connection.

Present yourself the way you want to be remembered for, and hide your flaws. No one needs to know how many times you have been turned away before hearing the golden word - “Yes.” Cover up your heavy baggage with a fake smile. Stay in your lane. Do not unveil the truth by all means necessary. Only speak on what you believe your listeners are interested in. Your wants and needs can wait, they are less important than the person you aim to appease.

At least, these are the learnings our ancient leaders have passed along to us because that is how they were able to survive. We have the tools and resources to create more than they ever have before. Information and communities are at the tip of our fingers to shift us into thriving mode.

The Blueprint

Our values shape our beliefs of what we view to be superior. No one is better or worse than you, it is all in the eyes of your perception. You are not here to live the life others want you to, you have free will. Remain open to listening and speaking to others in safe spaces that provide opportunities to further free yourself from what you think life is supposed to be, which is typically where judgment originates. In Buddhism, the word for comparison is māna, meaning pride, is often tied to an egotistical mindset when we place judgment.

Judgment keeps things interesting, whereas discernment helps get a better understanding of factual information. You will find a balance of judgment and discernment that works best for you, aligning with your desired path. Judgment can skew your perception of reality, serving a story that you would like to believe. Examining the saying “Men are trash,” it has been overused so much to the point where we have normalized trashy behavior. It depicts men as inferior as opposed to any other gender, despite knowing that is a biased opinion.

There is no right or wrong story, and the truth will inevitably unveil itself. Fortunately, we get to decide what we want to focus on. People are doing the best they can, with the information they have learned at any point in time. Be as kind to yourself, as you would like others to be with you to attract the kindness you deserve.

Real Recognizes Real

There is a fine line where comfort meets discomfort to challenge us in a way that fosters growth. As we continue to meet reflections of ourselves in different bodies, we are handed opportunities to do better. You may meet someone who serves as a reminder of what you could have been, who you are becoming, and/or who you are now.

Emotions are attached to how we think we should be, especially when we have been taught that the way we are is not going to suffice. We are all wired to be a certain way. There is no shame in embracing our natural traits, while also allowing room for change if we think it will improve our overall quality of life. Your evolution will evoke a rise out of those who are required to change but do not want to, to stay in your life. There is only one you and life goes on with or without others who choose to spend it with you.

Bending over backwards to keep people around will work if you want disingenuous energy in your circle. Otherwise, do not be afraid to own your story. It will create space for those who love you for you. Your story is far from over, legends live on forever in many ways. While you continue turning the page daily, you may as well bask in self-love - the world needs more of it. The opportunity to live is a miracle in itself. How beautiful can life get if and when we are unconditionally loved for all that we are?

Mind Over Matter

As people seek to validate themselves, they attract more material to back their claims. We all long to be accepted, it is human nature. With that being said, we are prone to phenomena like self-fulfilling prophecy, recency bias, and the halo effect.

Our minds attract the results we seek for, Simply Psychology published an article on the self-fulfilling prophecy to dive deeper into the research behind it. Those who expect to be accepted are often perceived as more likable, than those who lead with insecurities. Your perspective can make or break your experiences, and you can always choose to see the bright side reflecting back on it all.

Recency bias skews your perception to favor more recent events and interactions as over ones that occurred long ago. Frontiers in Psychology conducted a study to test the law of recency, which is based on the most recent instance of a stimulus that influences a response in anticipation of the next instance of coming across that same stimulus. To measure and mathematically quantify responses they used the Parallel Episodic Processing model. Interestingly, they found that frequency did not affect their results as much as recency had. People often over-learn behaviors based on their most recent experiences, which impacts the way we interact with others.

When we believe someone looks well put-together, we believe their lives may be as well. Automatically, our curiosity is peaked and we are drawn to wanting to know more about them. Going into a conversation with these individuals, we’re already excited. They sense that and begin to match our energies. After all, it’s hard to resist smiling when we see someone else genuinely smiling at us. The trajectory of the discussion is set up for success due to the halo effect. Positive Psychology shared some worthwhile methods to counter the halo effect like increasing awareness, slowing down, challenging your assumptions, etc. The horn effect is the opposite of the halo effect, paralleling the concept of angels versus devils.

Neither the halo nor horn effect will depict an accurate representation of who someone is. Humans are not built to be placed into stereotypical boxes on who we might be based on the first few seconds of an interaction. As complex beings, it should take time to get to know one another. Some people say it takes at least 6 months, I would say years. When we see how people prepare and respond to difficult situations, we get a better idea of what life could look like if we spend more time with them.

When two people do not see eye to eye, it is usually nothing personal. Work towards building enough confidence that would allow you to embrace constructive feedback. People would not be sharing their transparent thoughts with you in a one-on-one setting if they did not care about you. Over time, you will be able to have a better read on intentions behind the feedback, tone, delivery, etc. Trust yourself enough to listen to your intuition. Building healthy, sustainable relationships requires honesty and for all parties involved to share constructive feedback.

The Internal Battle

People pleasers find themselves lost as they increasingly overexert themselves pretending to be someone that does not feel natural to them. It becomes an addictive habit that gets tougher to break as we get a high off of the immediate gratification we get from it. Once the fleeting moment passes, we crave more approval to fill in the times we do not feel adequate. Nothing feels as good as approval that comes from within.

Your circumstances around you may change, but your core inner child remains the same. Remember the days you sought after the simplicities of life including time with loved ones, being outside, and creatively expressing yourself in ways that feel right for your soul. Some days will be easier than others, continue detaching from the outcomes and fall deeper in love with the journey you are destined for.

The real trick is to learn how to like yourself. Confident people attract confident people, and they are quite a joy to be around. Socrates, a legendary philosopher once said “Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.” All minds are capable of strengthening themselves, it’s a muscle and far more powerful than we give it credit for.

Note From A Recovering People-Pleaser

It takes one to know one. Phasing out of tendencies wanting to appease everyone that comes your way is not easy.

My earliest memory of telling a lie for the sake of fitting in was in the third grade. I was asked by a childhood best friend if I was Russian or Ukrainian and if I ate pork. I did not know the difference between Russia and Ukraine back then, but was more familiar with Russia. I did not know what pork was, so I asked for the definition and was disgusted by the idea that I could eat a pig. Coincidentally, I hit it off with her over the bond of avoiding pork and almost everyone else who cared to ask about my eating habits. My school was predominately comprised of Jewish and Muslim kids and I was thrilled to be part of what I considered to be the in-crowd. After going home and sharing my day’s recap with my mom, I asked for clarity. Found out that I was Ukrainian and that we were a pork-eating household.

It felt like the world was crashing and burning and I had to figure out my next steps. I came clean about being Ukrainian the next day, but I could not muster up the courage to potentially lose my best friend and every other person I connected with about not eating pork. The lie carried heavily on my shoulders as I transitioned through various stages of life with the same circle of people. I felt guilty and disgusted with myself for lying.

The more people I came clean to, the better I felt. The lie eventually wound up becoming the truth, I stopped eating pork. It was exhausting to accommodate others while neglecting myself.

The Takeaway

We wind up resenting those we overextended ourselves to and unequivocally feel disconnected from the people we love. At the end of the day, there is only one you. You get to live with yourself every day and that in itself is a treasure to be appreciated. The way you interact with others should be in line with the values you uphold for yourself. Every day serves as a fresh start to shape life into the direction you want it to move towards. Your past has helped you get to where you are today, there is more joy and fulfillment ahead of you.

There is a continuous journey to identify opportunities to celebrate individuality while also connecting with others. You are never going to be everyone’s cup of tea, might as well focus on pleasing yourself. If being yourself scares people away, let them flock. There are people out there who already love you unconditionally for all that you are.

We shine brightest when we are authentically ourselves. Only you know what that way of life may look like for you. Inspired by musical diss tracks, engaging conversations, and processed life experiences, I hope you find this read to be helpful. Would love to hear your thoughts below!